The importance of feeding pigeons (types of human malware on social media)

Everything in life has downsides and upsides, is sadly an only 50% truold-women-on-laptop-300x221e statement for social media. People in there can be severely annoying in all sorts of different ways depending on their age, the length of their social media experience and their cultural background. Although democracy and freedom of expression are noble principles, there are certain creatures on this planet whose mere existence completely justifies violating such principles. The three biggest types of human malware on social media are the fake girl, the conversation-through-comments and the religious-miracles-posts. These guys’ ambitious journeys are likely to wind up in the blocked contacts lists of their victims within no more than two to three flirts, two to three “How are you?” comments or two to three miracles posts. Nevertheless, just like any other malware or virus, people of certain digital immunity levels can have a hard time detecting them, which is why this essay was written, as Sun Tsu says: “know your enemy” fellow social media addicts, and why it is important to feed pigeons.

The fake_girl.delf:

This type of human “male-ware” is an extremely stealthy one, and can be quite dangerous. A lot of nerdy male screen addicts out in the social media wild occasionally find themselves desperate for an encounter with the opposite gender, forming a wide open crack for the fake_girl.delf to sneak in. It all starts with an innocent “Hi! How are you?” but escalates pretty quickly to… slightly more than that. The bottom line is, if a social media addict feels like he has established a magical emotional connection with a girl through social media, if he feels like he has deeply connected with her on every level, if she shares a lot of interests with him and if she suddenly seems like the absolutely perfect girl, she probably does not exist, the adorable, romantic fake_girl.delf has to be blocked immediately and pigeons have to be fed. Also, if he happens to still be in love with her after finding out the truth, internet cables are solid for hanging things… or people.

The conversation_through_comments.delf:

Senior members of the community (much like college freshmen) often look for an activity to keep them busy and occupied. While this activity might have involved a newspaper or a thick dusty book in the good old days, today, this activity disastrously involves a screen and an internet connection. A good way to illustrate the depth of the disaster would be the self-explanatory conversation_through_comments.delf phenomenon. To be fair, while this type of brutal human malware targets every living soul on social media, the person on the opposite side of the screen is often a harmless 90 year old who is simply trying to find out silly details about the victim’s marital state or similar out of curiosity. So to avoid disrespect toward the elderly, victims ought to be patient and understand how much of an overwhelmingly massive challenge distinguishing between chat and comments is, they even start with the same letter! Or perhaps just BLOCK them. And feed pigeons.

The religious_miracles_posts.delf:

How fascinating is finding words such as “Allah, God, Yahweh, SpongeBob, etc.” Written on a tomato slice, a cloud or a cow’s skin? The truth is, there are only two ways in which this could surely be fascinating: the skillful Photoshop work in it, or if the SpongeBob one was true. This type of human malware is essentially characterized with the intelligent, rational fascination with the completely logical “religious miracles” images all over social media, which translates into insanely sharing these pieces of art in unbelievable frequencies. The victim of this type of human malware may experience symptoms such as: diarrhea, nausea, balding, getting more stupid, aging and white hair. Since the religious_miracles_posts.delf is spreading like fire in a very alarming manner, the victim is advised to instantly take appropriate measures, wipe this malware out of the surface of his contact list, and feed pigeons.

To conclude, since the first and most important step in solving a problem is recognizing the problem exists, reading this essay should be a huge first step for all the poor victims of human malware toward resisting and fighting back these cowards. However, as the conditions on social media are rapidly worsening and the human malware is preparing to out-speed Pinky and Brain in taking over the world’s communication, humanity will reach a point where despair and misery are going to spread, people will go through dark days and with everyone quitting social media, the only savior will be… post pigeon.

-Obaida

Bibliography:

–  Collins, S. (2014). Social media, harassment and freedom of speech – panel discussion and Q and A, tuesday 17th june 2014, committee room 18, palace of westminster. The Entertainment and Sports Law Journal, 12, 5. doi:10.16997/eslj.8

– Matheus Felipe de Castro, & Riva Sobrado de Freitas. (2013). Liberdade de expressão e discurso do ódio: Um exame sobre as possíveis limitações à liberdade de expressão / freedom of speech and hate speech: An analysis of possible limits for freedom of speech. Sequência: Estudos Juridicos e Politicos, 34(66), 327-355.

– Potha, N., Maragoudakis, M., & Lyras, D. (2016). A biology-inspired, data mining framework for extracting patterns in sexual cyberbullying data. Knowledge-Based Systems, 96, 134-155. doi:10.1016/j.knosys.2015.12.021

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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