How to master the art of scrambling eggs? (For beginners like myself)

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If you identify as any of the following three categories of people: a guy, a non-middle-eastern girl or a loser, disgraceful middle-eastern girl (yes, stereotypes, sexism, etc), then you are about to read a transformative life-saving tutorial on how to survive the toughest times of your life, how to enjoy loneliness, how to become an independent person, or, in simpler terms: how to scramble an egg!Being away from home for two years and counting, I have had to deal with a lot of challenges and tough moments, yet I have always thought I was doing rather well, until that bloody moment came. The moment I was starving of hunger on a summer midnight in an apartment that contains five eggs, myself and a friend of mine, which counts as me twice since we have similar cooking experience… or inexperience. Considering that this is a tutorial post not a dystopic tragic narrative, it would be sensible to refrain from completing the story for now. Nevertheless, in a humble attempt to reduce the number of people who have to suffer from this on a regular basis, I present you my life-saving essay. When trying to fry an egg, make sure to consider the precautions, break the eggs, add the ingredients and fry the mixture.

Precautions:

Going through the process of frying an egg is a bigger commitment that you think. For a happy ending, it is best to be prepared to completely isolate yourself from the outer world for a solid ten minutes, be done with all other matters (urinary ones in particular) and focus ONLY on frying the egg. The ingredients you will need to fry an egg are: oil, courage, salt, surprisingly, an egg and some more courage. As a beginner, it is best to try one egg first so that you don’t make my mistake (spoiler alert) and lose five eggs at once. Unless someone else is joining you, in which case I recommend frying an even number of eggs so you don’t make my other mistake (spoiler alert #2) and end up with a blurred eyesight for fighting over the extra egg before you even start frying.

Break the eggs:

If you’re on a limited supply of eggs and you’re really not sure whether you will be able to fry them successfully, you might feel your heart breaking with each egg, which, I assure you, is a completely normal symptom. After you man up and finish breaking the eggs, mix the yellow part with the white part, stop mixing when the color approaches that of Donald Trump’s hair.

Add the ingredients:

Place the pan on the stove, add a small amount of warm oil to it, put some salt, and then pour the Trump-colored mixture on top of it. The following step can massively raise the bar of prerequisite skillsets for some of you, however once you absolutely master all the previous steps (including being able to identify Mr. Trump’s hair color), you can proceed to some next level pro material that involves adding some more cheese or chicken to it. And yes, it does seem very complicated.

Fry the mixture:

I sincerely wish this does not sound as complicated anymore after I’ve mentioned the cheese and chicken part. All you need to bear in mind is that the mixture you’re dealing with is no ordinary mixture, since it can stick to the pan in no time and leave you bankrupt of all options; so if you want to see light at the end of the tunnel, be sure to keep shaking the pan and the mixture inside as it solidifies. Theoretically, the mixture takes about five minutes of frying on low heat to be ready.

To conclude, scrambling eggs can be tough, but if you somehow miraculously end up with an edible result, you will realize that it is worth the effort. Also, if you have gone this far reading my post, and most importantly did not eat the scrambled eggs directly from the pan to save yourself an extra dish to wash, you have won yourself the title of an “egg-frying master”.

-Obaida

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